Yesterday at church I heard a poem about a lighthouse. It reminded me of one of my favorite books by Rosemary Wells, The Island Light. I adore this little children's story. As I reflected on the book I was reminded of how much I love the spiritual symbolism of lighthouses. Although I don't yet have the reference for the poem I heard, I found a wonderful poem by Henry Wadswoth Longfellow. See the link below. It's long, but worth it even if you only read the first few verses. http://www.poetryloverspage.com/poets/longfellow/seaside_and_fireside_lighthouse.html
It's past Christmas and not yet the new year. Packages have been opened, admired, and laid aside for placement after the holidays. My suitcase from a family trip sits in my bedroom, waiting to be put away. The dining room table is covered with containers of leftover goodies and pieces of a gingerbread house that was never built. In the corner of the living room stands the stale Christmas tree, dead needles accumulating on it's skirt. Christmas CDs and mail are stacked up in the kitchen, and the refrigerator is in serious need of a purge.
My head is swimming in family, Les Miserables the movie (recently seen), needed changes in 2013 and what to teach my Primary class at church this afternoon since the manual is out of lessons. Worries are starting to pile up in my head (a not so good activity of mine). Hmmmm-got to check and see when my son returns to school...will he make all his connections....I miss my sister....the house will be depressing this winter....how will I manage my feelings...I miss my viola, got to start practicing again tomorrow....and blah blah blah!!!!
The few days in the middle of the holidays are often like this for me. It seems like I am neither here nor there, just transitioning. I'm in the middle rather then at the end or beginning.
Being in the middle is fuzzy. The excitement of the beginning is gone and the end seems distant. It's the time when the urge to procrastinate is the greatest. The time to take a break from whatever journey we are on.
I feel like Tootles. When my oldest was young I often read him the story of Tootles, a locomotive in training. He was taught the rule "Stay on the rails no matter what!". He got off one day to play in the meadow, and learned the importance of following the rules. Getting off the rails was a bad plan!
My life right now feels more like a break at the Roundhouse than a rail trip. Maybe it's supposed to be that...a time to recharge for January 2013. Maybe I didn't wander off the rails, but perhaps I'm at the end of the trip and in the middle of recharging for the next one. In any case, I need to prepare for the New Year. To move ahead out of the middle.
I don't make New Year's Resolutions for various reasons, but I think I will this year. They will not be called resolutions. They will be a rather short list of goals/plans that I will calender to be revisited throughout the year. That should help keep me moving ahead when I need to, especially in the middle of the year!
I have a confession to make. I am feeling very cranky this Christmas. I don't want to decorate, cooking is a chore, I don't want Christmas music, and I am often feeling out of sorts. Just plain cranky and grumpy at times. Like Mr. Crabby Appleton (anyone remember Kaptain Kangaroo?) or the Grumpus Under the Rug. That's me.
Maybe it's a reaction to the difficult November election and Sandy Hook. Maybe it's the stresses of this season. Maybe it's because my hubby and I are empty nesters and all I want to do is run away and have an adventure. Maybe it's all of these. Guess I feel kind of like my photo above. Ugh.
Nobody ever told me that when your children are gone from home you will want to start life over. I always thought you missed your children and pined away for them, and that you needed to find other meaningful things to do with your life (especially SAH moms). Well, I feel like I have been let out of JAIL!! The funny thing is, I never felt I was in a jail. Weird, huh?
One of my sons and his friend are here for Christmas break from college, and I'm glad to see them, but I still feel like taking off with my hubby and going on an adventure. I have a serious case of "ants in my pants", so to speak. And the feeling is very powerful at times. I didn't know I could still feel this way about something at my age. I want to go exploring, see new towns, roam the plains and do some hiking!!
So I try to step up to my responsibilities, be good, make music, and generally go through the motions of what I am supposed to be doing. But my heart is often wandering elsewhere, wondering what the future will bring.